The Evening News, Archive edition, Sept 2007

Welcome to the evening news.

        
Before we read the news tonight, I would like to introduce our listeners to our new peace and tolerance segment.  In this segment it is our goal to promote greater understanding through the use of language.

 Tonight, we would like to inform our listeners that the word “primate” has been declared a derogatory term.  It implies a sense of superiority in walking on two feet.  As if those who walk on four or who crawl on their bellies are somehow innately inferior.  On this program we will never again use the “P word”.  It is hate language.  The proper expression is “carbon unit”.

  
 Also, it has become obvious that too many carbon units treat Islam and Muslims with a great deal of distrust.  We believe this is the fault of the careless use of language.  Terms such as Islamo-fascist, Islamo-terrorist and Islamic radical can only produce fear and suspicion.  We have replaced these words and their overly-harsh connotations with the much gentler, Islamo-naughty. We can all feel much better about that.

Now to the News

Tonight’s top story. 

Thousands of carbon units took to the streets in celebration of America’s latest defeat. The announcement of  a declaration of loss in the United States’ war against the tiny Arab Emirate of Abu Dhabi was greeted with cheers across the nation today. No one knows what actually sparked the 36 hour conflict but ever since Congress made it illegal for America to actually win a war, nations have been lining up to give Uncle Sam a spanking.

In related news, Congress has formed a special committee to determine when a war should actually be declared lost.

Senator Kennedy commented, “For far too long we have been allowing events on the battlefield determine whether a war is being won or lost.  Defeat should not be the province of soldiers.  Defeat belongs to the defeatists.”

The New York Times, NBC, CBS and CNN have all editorialized against this committee saying that the right to declare defeat belongs to the press and must not be infringed upon.

In a separate statement, Geraldo Rivera claimed that he alone has the necessary battlefield experience to tell when a war is actually lost.

       
In an effort to save our troops from the embarrassment of constantly losing wars there is an ongoing discussion on the possibility of out-sourcing our military efforts.  Both China and India have shown an interest but because they are both have non-Caucasian populations, some in congress believe this might have a demoralizing effect on carbon units of  hue both here and abroad. There have even been suggestions that this is just another example of the exploitation of third world ethnics by the Euro-American male.

        
France, on the other hand, has been named as the first choice for surrender surrogate by many in congress, since the French are by far the most experienced in managing sophisticated surrender situations.

       
On the international front, a Beirut hospital was blown up today by Islamo-naughties,  the good news is an estimated 84 patients no longer require long term health care.           

    
In further news, a joint action suit was won by child molesters against the parents of the children they molested. The court’s decision was that disparaging remarks by the parents caused the molesters irreparable harm.

   
In Vermont, a law was passed holding that the parents of  molested children can be charged with criminal entrapment.  The law states that if the parents had not been negligent in shielding pedophiles from the damaging temptations caused by the children, it is obvious that no crime ever would have taken place.

        
In education news, the Association of Ivy League History Professors has issued a statement that hueless, Christian, male carbon units have never made any worthwhile contribution to civilization and all history books shall be suitably amended.

    
Some examples

Imam Abdul Newton was the scientist who defined modern physics.

The Declaration of Independence was actually written by Tomas DeJeffersonia, it was written in Spanish.
Rufus Washington commanded the Revolutionary Army.  It was the original Black Watch.
Abigail Lincoln freed the slaves.

The only hueless male carbon unit mentioned is Jamie, Bruce Hoban.  He didn’t build the White House but he certainly had a well-manicured hand in decorating it.

Also in education news, years of experience or even a job are no longer required in order to gain tenure.  Looking to keep a steady supply of new ideas in the education of youth, all that will be needed for tenure is an intention to someday teach.  It does not even have to be an outwardly expressed intention.  Simply, go to any educational institution and say that you once thought about teaching and you will be guaranteed a job from which you cannot be fired.

       
Around the nation, The San Francisco City Council today passed an ordinance making homosexuality mandatory.  At the same session, they declared they were seceding from the United States.  They then applied to Washington for foreign aid.

      
137,000,000 illegal immigrants in Los Angeles County, protested the over-crowded conditions.  They claimed they were running out of places to throw their trash.

      
In a related story, litters laws were overturned in the 9th circuit court of appeals as being discriminatory against the Hispanic culture.  A group of art professors from UCLA found a solution to the litter problem.  Trash is now called participatory landscaping.  The Los Angeles Department of Tourism has responded to this idea with great enthusiasm.  This year’s promotional effort will proudly proclaim that LA boasts the largest collection of participatory landscaping north of the Mexican border.

      
Also from California, a law was passed making it a criminal offense for parents to correct their children.  A spokes-carbon unit for the state said, “Too many children have lost their right of free expression due to unwarranted limits placed on them by abusive parents.”

    
Teachers in California have been given the right to use heroin to control unruly students, “For those times when Ritalin just isn’t enough.”

  
In New York, a law was passed prohibiting exhaling in public.  It is intended to protect the public from second-hand air.

On the political front, The office of Should-Have-Been President was made official today. This gives congressional authorization for those carbon units who actually lost the presidential election to behave as if they won.  Should-Have-Been-President Al Gore said that it was about time.

After the announcement, Jimmy Carter was named as both the worst president and the worst Should-Have-Been-President of the twentieth century.

Should-Have-Been-President John Kerry announced that he had changed his mind once again and was in fact running for president.  In a statement to the press, he explained, “I decided to run after I decided not to run after I decided to run.”

He also promised that if elected, he would be an example of decisiveness and firm commitment.

There has been a great deal of controversy over his proclamation that his recent visit to Iraq qualifies him to be an Iraqi war veteran.  Some veterans have complained that he was little more than a tourist. Senator Kerry responded, "So what! I was little more than a tourist in Viet Nam." Kerry later announced he was receiving his fourth Purple Heart for having a door slammed in is face by an uneducated paratrooper who stupidly insists he is not stuck in Iraq.

Former president and according to his ardent supporters, Should-Have-Been-President-For-Life, Bill Clinton announced the publication of his book on how to have a successful marriage, “It Takes a Harem.”

Hillary Clinton in a statement about her rival Barrack Hussein Obama said today, “ It shouldn’t matter whether or not he was educated in a Pakistani terrorist school, or whether he was named after one of the worst butchers in the Middle East.  We should only look at his character and experience or lack there of".

"Just because his father was a Mau Mau terrorist who slaughtered and raped nuns and cannibalized hueless carbon units should have no bearing on anyone’s vote and I will not attempt to use the fact that he will probably try to appoint Osama Bin Laden to the office of Secretary of Homeland Security against him.  I believe he will make a great president in another eight to ten years.  But If he should by some misfortune of Divine Justice receive my party’s nomination, I will be proud to join with my fellow democrats in saying, “Obama Rama Ding Dong.”

  
In sports, the NBA was arrested today for pretty much everything. This shocking news comes after yesterday’s announcement that the NFL was being released on bail.

   
In Religion, Christianity in an attempt to fight back against constant attacks from the ACLU, tried an end run by making toilets religious icons. This forced the ACLU to sue to have all toilets removed from public facilities.

   
In anticipation of the court’s decision, public urination was legalized everywhere except San Francisco where it was always legal.

   
In entertainment news Rock star Dung Heap was forced to issue an apology after referring to Paris Hilton as a stupid, slutty, blond, b---h.  Thousands of female carbon-units units protested saying that any reference to follicular hue was derogatory.  In his apology, Mr. Heap said that he was deeply upset that his statement might affect his record sales.  He also stated that he is not a hateful carbon unit and he believes his verbal outburst was caused by the mental abuse he suffered at the hands of those parents whose children he had molested before he became a star, when he was still an unknown pile of crap.  He amended his remarks to say that Paris Hilton was a stupid, slutty  b---h.  Ms. Hilton responding by saying it was all right her hair was really bleached.

  
After Mr. Heap’s admission, many in the entertainment industry rallied to his cause and spoke of the untold damage caused by the hate mongering of parents of abused children.  

  
There is great excitement in the travel industry over the grand opening of  a fabulous resort in Vermont. The New Never Never Land has been billed as Disney World for pedophiles.  It is expected to be the first resort in this country to receive the coveted 69 butts rating from the Man Boy Love Association.  Up until now, it has always been believed that criminal prosecution would prevent the opening of such a grand resort in this country.

 
‘Whips and Shackles’ magazine, in a rare burst of hyperbole has declared this to be the most painfully thrilling event of the decade.  In a direct quote from the editorial section, “No longer will we be forced to seek our pleasures in tawdry surroundings under questionable sanitary conditions.
  
In our, the last word segment, we would like to discuss kindness.  We all need to be kind.  We need to be kind to our friends as well as our enemies.  If we are truly kind we cannot help but find kindness in return.  Kindness begets kindness.  We must all remember to turn the other cheek and hope that our enemies will grow tired of hitting us.  And finally if we are always kind and it still doesn’t stop us from getting beat up at least we will have the satisfaction of knowing we did nothing to deserve it.            

That is all for tonight.  Sleep well.  Remember your government is looking after you.