Good evening. For tonight’s edition we once again open with our usual political-correctness update. The term “child molester” is now hate speech. It is being replaced by” toddler twiddler”. No longer will those members of society who choose to take an alternate sexual byroad be labeled by derogatory language.
Also in the world of political correctness, there has been a reluctance to adopt the term “Islamo-naughty”, in place of “Islamic Terrorist” or “Islamo-Fascist”. The Obama Administration announced it would be offering incentives to those citizens and non-citizens who pledge to use the term “Islamo-Naughty”. Signers of the pledge would receive a free oil change and tire rotation with their next purchase of a GM product. They would also get a photo of Obama -- imprinted with a genuine, computer-generated duplication of a reproduction of an actual simulation of Obama’s autograph -- suitable for framing.
One last item on political correctness. “Carbon unit” has regained status as the proper species-neutral expression. There was some dispute as to whether it was discriminatory against non-carbon based entities such as rocks, water and air. But, it was finally decided that a certain degree of distinction between objects was perfectly reasonable.
Also in the world of political correctness, there has been a reluctance to adopt the term “Islamo-naughty”, in place of “Islamic Terrorist” or “Islamo-Fascist”. The Obama Administration announced it would be offering incentives to those citizens and non-citizens who pledge to use the term “Islamo-Naughty”. Signers of the pledge would receive a free oil change and tire rotation with their next purchase of a GM product. They would also get a photo of Obama -- imprinted with a genuine, computer-generated duplication of a reproduction of an actual simulation of Obama’s autograph -- suitable for framing.
One last item on political correctness. “Carbon unit” has regained status as the proper species-neutral expression. There was some dispute as to whether it was discriminatory against non-carbon based entities such as rocks, water and air. But, it was finally decided that a certain degree of distinction between objects was perfectly reasonable.
On the international front, Bill Clinton is still in the news. During a press conference about his recent foray into North Korea, the former president asked, “Are there any other young attractive carbon units who need my services?” The newly released captives, when asked, “What was your most terrifying moment?” responded, “When President Clinton kept following us around the airplane asking whether we liked cigars.”
President Obama, ever the doting dad, recently decided to spend a day at the beach with his family. He flew in Air Force One, followed by a backup aircraft and an escort of twelve fighter jets. His entourage included 611 Secret Service agents, 423 reporters, 248 still-photographers and an additional 175 video camera operators. The president was also accompanied by his entire staff, which included Michelle’s personal hairdresser, the girls’ personal hairdressers as well as the hairdressers’ personal hairdressers. All in all, 3482 people were transported to Boca Raton, Florida.
Washington D.C. traffic was at a standstill while the president and his 743-car motorcade traveled to Andrews Air Force Base. Traffic in Miami was totally shut down for more that two hours upon the President’s arrival. More than 6000 residents of beachfront condominiums and hotels had to be evacuated for security reasons.
The girls grew bored shortly after arriving and the entire process had to be reversed. The cost of the trip was estimated at $11,000,000. When asked if he thought the inconvenience and cost to the citizens was worth it, President Obama replied, ”I won and they didn’t.”
On the economic front, Obama announced the complete success of his stimulus package. Unemployment, for the first time in American history, dropped to 0%. This was achieved by redefining “employment.” Carbon units collecting unemployment checks are employed looking for work. If they are collecting checks while they are looking for work they are obviously employed looking for employment, therefore, they couldn’t possibly be unemployed.
Those carbon units who had run out of unemployment benefits and have given up looking for work are now retired.
In sports, Michael Vick has been picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles, after the University of Georgia turned down his offer to coach the Bulldogs. While his actual role with the team has not been announced, it has been rumored that he will be responsible for quieting Philadelphia’s notorious Boo Birds, especially the hecklers of head coach, Andy Reid.
As part of his community service, Vick had been teaching young carbon units about the evils of dog fighting. However, eyebrows were raised when, at one session, Vick commented on the strength of one of his students and asked to see the youthful carbon unit’s teeth.
In religion, His Holiness Pope Albert Gore, spiritual leader of the Apostolic Church of the Environment, has begun naming members to his College of Cardinals. His first pick, Robert Kennedy Jr. was an obvious choice. He has been investigating toxic substances, personally, for years.
Before we go to weather, let me remind you that The Evening News will host a special edition tracking the long history of climate change going all the way back to the 1970’s. Watch for it.
Now to the weather, much of America has been experiencing record low temperatures this year. Some are referring to 2009 as “the year without a summer”. A New York farmer lammented, “If this global warming keeps up the way it has been, I’m gonna have to start raising winter wheat in the summer time”. Also, there has yet to be a named storm in the Atlantic this year. This has been attributed to below-normal ocean temperatures. Residents along the Gulf Coast, when asked about the lack of tropical storms, replied, “ Yeah, but we’ve had some hellacious fog banks.”
In entertainment, a new film will be hitting IMAX theaters soon called “Dynamic Domestic Duo.” It is the exciting story of Julia Childs’ and Martha Stewart’s lifelong competition in mud wrestling.
That is all for this evening. Good night and sleep well. Remember, your Government is looking out for you.
A furious Hilary Clinton asked why she, as Secretary of State, wasn’t sent instead of her husband. President Obama, with the leadership we have come to expect, answered, “Because I won and you didn’t.”
On the national front, after the successful seating of Justice Sonia Sotomayor to the U.S. Supreme Court, it has been leaked that convicted cop-killer, Mumia Abu Jamal, is on President Obama’s short list for the next open seat. Obama has reportedly said that if Sotomayor’s rich experience as a Latino carbon unit adds to the court “think what 30 years of experience on death row can bring”.
Town hall meetings are still centers of turmoil but a White House spokes-carbon unit explained that what appears to be angry voters is actually undocumented citizens who have come to America looking for work.
The shouting is the natural result of both cultural and language missunderstandings. When translators were brought in and the crowds were asked in their own language about health care reform, they were all very enthusiastic.
On the national front, after the successful seating of Justice Sonia Sotomayor to the U.S. Supreme Court, it has been leaked that convicted cop-killer, Mumia Abu Jamal, is on President Obama’s short list for the next open seat. Obama has reportedly said that if Sotomayor’s rich experience as a Latino carbon unit adds to the court “think what 30 years of experience on death row can bring”.
Town hall meetings are still centers of turmoil but a White House spokes-carbon unit explained that what appears to be angry voters is actually undocumented citizens who have come to America looking for work.
The shouting is the natural result of both cultural and language missunderstandings. When translators were brought in and the crowds were asked in their own language about health care reform, they were all very enthusiastic.
President Obama, ever the doting dad, recently decided to spend a day at the beach with his family. He flew in Air Force One, followed by a backup aircraft and an escort of twelve fighter jets. His entourage included 611 Secret Service agents, 423 reporters, 248 still-photographers and an additional 175 video camera operators. The president was also accompanied by his entire staff, which included Michelle’s personal hairdresser, the girls’ personal hairdressers as well as the hairdressers’ personal hairdressers. All in all, 3482 people were transported to Boca Raton, Florida.
Washington D.C. traffic was at a standstill while the president and his 743-car motorcade traveled to Andrews Air Force Base. Traffic in Miami was totally shut down for more that two hours upon the President’s arrival. More than 6000 residents of beachfront condominiums and hotels had to be evacuated for security reasons.
The girls grew bored shortly after arriving and the entire process had to be reversed. The cost of the trip was estimated at $11,000,000. When asked if he thought the inconvenience and cost to the citizens was worth it, President Obama replied, ”I won and they didn’t.”
On the economic front, Obama announced the complete success of his stimulus package. Unemployment, for the first time in American history, dropped to 0%. This was achieved by redefining “employment.” Carbon units collecting unemployment checks are employed looking for work. If they are collecting checks while they are looking for work they are obviously employed looking for employment, therefore, they couldn’t possibly be unemployed.
Those carbon units who had run out of unemployment benefits and have given up looking for work are now retired.
In sports, Michael Vick has been picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles, after the University of Georgia turned down his offer to coach the Bulldogs. While his actual role with the team has not been announced, it has been rumored that he will be responsible for quieting Philadelphia’s notorious Boo Birds, especially the hecklers of head coach, Andy Reid.
As part of his community service, Vick had been teaching young carbon units about the evils of dog fighting. However, eyebrows were raised when, at one session, Vick commented on the strength of one of his students and asked to see the youthful carbon unit’s teeth.
In religion, His Holiness Pope Albert Gore, spiritual leader of the Apostolic Church of the Environment, has begun naming members to his College of Cardinals. His first pick, Robert Kennedy Jr. was an obvious choice. He has been investigating toxic substances, personally, for years.
Before we go to weather, let me remind you that The Evening News will host a special edition tracking the long history of climate change going all the way back to the 1970’s. Watch for it.
Now to the weather, much of America has been experiencing record low temperatures this year. Some are referring to 2009 as “the year without a summer”. A New York farmer lammented, “If this global warming keeps up the way it has been, I’m gonna have to start raising winter wheat in the summer time”. Also, there has yet to be a named storm in the Atlantic this year. This has been attributed to below-normal ocean temperatures. Residents along the Gulf Coast, when asked about the lack of tropical storms, replied, “ Yeah, but we’ve had some hellacious fog banks.”
In entertainment, a new film will be hitting IMAX theaters soon called “Dynamic Domestic Duo.” It is the exciting story of Julia Childs’ and Martha Stewart’s lifelong competition in mud wrestling.
That is all for this evening. Good night and sleep well. Remember, your Government is looking out for you.
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