Welcome to this edition of The Evening News.

As always, we start with our political correctness segment. Great Britain is maintaining its global leadership in the battle for tolerance and understanding. A 14-year-old female carbon unit was arrested for racism when she asked to be assigned to a different study group during a science project because all the members of the group she had initially been placed with spoke only Urdu.

In a related story, a 10-year-old male carbon unit was arrested for racism after calling a playmate a “Paki” after his friend called him a “teletubby”. That exchange was overheard by an outraged teacher. 

Also in Great Britain, columnist Robin Page was arrested at a rally for saying, “If you are a black, vegetarian, Muslim, asylum-seeking, one-legged, lesbian, lorry driver, I want the same rights as you.

This only proves that when it comes to tolerance and political correctness America still has a long way to go.

On the international front, the cargo ship, Artic Sea, which was hijacked after it was not hijacked after it was missing after it was found has disappeared again.  Also gone astray is the entire Russian Sixth Fleet consisting of 117 ships, 653 aircraft and 23,000 men. A Russian Naval spokes carbon unit said he wasn’t worried. “They’ll turn up. They usually do.”

And now, in national news, the president awarded 6,433 Medals of Freedom. The Presidential Medal of Freedom, along with its Congressional counterpart, is America’s highest non-military decoration.

Among the more controversial recipients were Dr. Conrad Murray, Michael Jackson’s last attending physician, for his work in eugenics, Steve Gobie, who ran a homosexual prostitution ring out of Congress carbon unit Barney Frank’s apartment, for his imaginative small business initiative and Michael Vick for successfully completing a prison term.

When asked why he chose such out-of-the-mainstream honorees, the president answered, “Because I can do whatever I want.”

Also in the national news, the president named Vito “The Crusher” Assassino, a former enforcer and hit carbon unit for the Chicago Democrat Party Committee, as Athletes’ Foot Czar.

In related news, Guido “The Weasel” Cappetti, consigliore to Dominic “Big Domi” Ritardato, head of Chicago’s Cosa Nostra, sought Chapter 11 protection for the mob. “It’s near impossible for a gangster to make a dishonest buck these days. The competition is murder. First it was the Black Mafia, then the Chinese Tongs, then the Russian Mafia, the Arabs, the Mexicans and now we got the Democrats. The only chance we got is if Obama moves all their business to Washington. Maybe we can fill the vacuum.”

In late news from the White House: Now that Obama has 4,376 czars, he announced that he will be changing his own title, from President of the United States, to Czar Czar of all the Americas.

In a quick response from the UN, Russian ambassador Ivan Togetout protested, “’Czar’ is a Russian cultural and historical term, synonymous with tyranny and oppression. The Russian carbon units need tyranny and oppression. It keeps their minds off the miserable weather. The Russian economy needs tyranny and oppression. They are our chief exports and the only thing we are really good at.”

No-longer-soon-to-be Czar Czar Obama apologized. He whined, “It is America’s fault. America is an arrogant nation.” President Obama sent Ambassador Togetout a gift as a peace offering. It was an autographed DVD of Obama’s best speeches. And as a special offer , with no further forgiveness required, Obama threw in a second DVD of Obama family outings. Postage and handling included.

Ambassador Togetout said he was doubly grateful. First, an apology from America is always welcome and happily he knows that American DVDs don’t work on Russian video equipment.

In economic news: Not everyone has lost money during this ongoing Bush recession. Congressional Carbon Unit Charlie Rangel doubled his net worth recently. He explained that he had overlooked a million dollars worth of real estate because he used Turbo Tax software to manage his holdings.

When he was told that Turbo Tax was a tax preparation program and not an investment management program, Representative Rangel replied, “That probably explains it.”

More on the lurking dangers of Turbo Tax: Henry Hillman, a Kentucky contractor, is on trial this week. He was arrested and his assets were seized when he underpaid his business taxes by $7.43 in 2008. Mr. Hillman claimed the shortage was caused by a series of rounding errors in the Turbo Tax program.

Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, in an amicus curie brief, stated, “The small size of the underpayment is proof of a deliberate attempt to defraud. It was an obvious effort to slip in under the radar screen. A mistake like my own, which ran into tens of thousands of dollars, can be easily seen as an honest error. Besides, who ever expected the government to get its head out of its butt long enough to catch me.”

Secretary Geithner later apologized for that last remark. He said it was America’s fault.

Although soon-to-be-convicted Turbo Tax cheat Henry Hillman prepares to change his address and his wardrobe for the next three to five years, not one of his 23 former employees lost a single day of work. They were all immediately re-employed seeking employment. They are all now happily engaged in filling out resumes and going on interviews.

In sports, Kenya hopes to dominate at the next Summer Olympics. However, controversy swirls. Many of the female athletes look like male carbon units. But even more suspicious are the sprinters who look like cheetahs, the  weightlifters who look like elephants and the gymnasts who look like chimpanzees. The IOC said it will require DNA testing, within the bounds of political correctness, of course.

Thank you for tuning in for this edition of The Evening News. Good night and remember, your government is looking out for you.