The History of Climate Change, Special Edition of The Evening News

Welcome to this special edition of The Evening News.

Tonight, we will be taking an in-depth look at one of the most contentious issues facing America, Global Climate Change.

        

Is it real? Is it carbon unit made? Is it natural, unnatural, supernatural, preternatural?

To answer these questions and others, we will be going back to 1970. A study, conducted by Professor Bullard C. Dingbat PhD, JD, AKA, DOA of the Harvard University Institute of Pseudo-Science, brought to light the first evidence of the effects of carbon unit activity on climate.

Dr. Dingbat observed that in winter, when carbon units wear heavy clothing, the weather turns cold. Likewise, when carbon units wear less clothing, the weather warms.

To prove that this was not just a seasonal occurrence, Professor Dingbat noted that Eskimos wear heavy clothing year-round and the weather in those areas stays cold. Polynesians, on the other hand, go about nearly naked all year and the weather remains warm.

This led to a flood of studies as pseudo-scientists around the world began looking for more correlations between carbon unit activity and weather.

In 1972, another phenomenon was observed. When most carbon units sleep, it is dark outside. When they awaken, it is daylight. Could carbon unit activity be affecting the rotation of the earth?

The growing body of evidence that carbon unit activity could have an effect on the climate led to a new branch of environmental pseudo-science, Climo-Carbo-Unitology.  Climo-Carbo-Unitologists soon began to investigate Climo-Carbo-Unitilogical relationships.

At the same time, legislators, looking for new ways to squander taxpayer’s money, began handing out billions of taxpayer dollars in grants to local universities. Hungry for a piece of the grant cash pie, Climo-Carbo-Unitologists  began sounding the alarms on the dangerous effects that C-C-U relationships could have on the weather and, ultimately, the environment.

The disaster race was on. C-C-U research departments around the nation began competing to see who could predict the worst catastrophe. Like prophets in the park, university professors were proclaiming, “The end is near.”  

In November of 1972, the former head of Poultry Studies at U.C. Berkeley, Dr. Wilbur “Chicken” Little, was elected to Congress. Dr. Little, as the Democrat representative from the People’s Republic of California, introduced a resolution to make perilous C-C-U relationships a Congressional priority.

At the same time, President Nixon was under heavy fire because of Watergate. Hoping to win allies in Congress, he adopted C-C-U relationships as a personal cause. Nixon established the Department of Government Interference in Nearly Everyone’s Life, DOGINEL. He appointed his longtime friend, Bruno “The Proctologist” Goering, to be the first Secretary of DOGINEL. Goering was directed to make C-C-U his primary focus.

In 1973, President Nixon was slipping out the back door of the White House in order to avoid impeachment hearings. Cynics believe that he turned the DOGINEL loose on America as a last act of defiance, sort of like giving America the bureaucratic finger.

Also, in crisis-prone 1973, it was discovered that hair spray was destroying the ozone layer. Ozone supposedly protected the earth from the harmful rays of the sun.

Hundreds of thousands of large-haired female carbon units protested. They couldn’t see a problem. Since, according to the weather report in the daily paper, ozone was listed as a pollutant, they believed that the use of ozone-destroying hairspray should be beneficial to the environment. 

Pseudo-scientists explained that ozone in the air was very bad, while ozone in the atmosphere was very good. Pseudo-scientists then unsuccessfully tried to explain the difference between air and atmosphere.

Dr. Sheldon Shelby, Professor Emeritus of pre-Mayan Mayan Literature at Yale’s School for Obscure Studies, stepped into the fray. Professor Shelby won the Nobel Obfuscation Prize for a paper that gave what is now considered to be an irrefutable explanation of the difference between air and atmosphere. “The single most important difference between Air and Atmosphere is the spelling.”

Hardly had the “holey ozone” threat been addressed when it was overshadowed by a greater danger. In 1975, America was hit with the coldest winter on record. The upper Chesapeake Bay froze from bank to bank. Another extreme winter followed the next year. Pseudo-scientists were now predicting the imminent return of the glaciers. The lead article in the “Science” section of the April 28, 1975 issue of Newsweek announced the looming presence of the next Ice Age.

Snowmobile stocks skyrocketed with the plummeting temperatures. Ski resorts were built in southern New Mexico as entrepreneurs attempted to heat up their portfolios by cashing in on the coming cold.

This news wasn’t really new as ice age predictions had been going on continually since back in the 1930’s. Except, of course, when they were interrupted by predictions of global warming.

Traditional pseudo-scientists claimed that the extreme cold was the result of all the heavy clothing that carbon units were wearing. This was dismissed by neo-pseudo-scientists as “Been there. Done that.” A newer, more fashionable, explanation of global cooling was required. Particulate matter being emitted from smoke stacks was considered to be most stylish. These particulates were creating an umbrella that was blocking out the warming rays of the sun, no matter how large the holes in the ozone layer.

In 1975, temperatures were reaching record lows. President Gerald Ford named Bertha Bernstein to head DOGINEL, the aforementioned Department of Government Interference in Nearly Everyone’s Life. Secretary Bernstein imprinted her identity on DOGINEL so firmly that DOGINEL came to be known as  “BIG MOTHER”.

In June 1976, BIG MOTHER instituted requirements that all smoke stacks have scrubbers to remove particulates. Many corporations threatened to move their factories overseas to avoid “scrubbing their stacks.”

Many Americans worried that large numbers of American businesses going offshore would lead to job and tax revenue losses and would increase the trade deficit.

BIG MOTHER assured citizens that the loss of employment due to companies moving facilities out of the country would more than be made up by employment in industries that manufacture and install scrubbers, so-called “Clean Jobs”. Another claim by BIG MOTHER was that any tax losses could easily be offset by a smokestack scrubber tax. And, finally, the trade deficit was already so bad that any increase would hardly be noticeable.

Skeptics pointed out that with the large number of companies expected to take their smokestacks out of the country, the expected tax revenues from the companies that stay behind might not meet expectations. The government replied that this was excessive attention to minor details and it was time to move forward and stop the incessant nit picking.

Critics also expressed fears that the atmosphere would suffer even more if companies were operating in countries where there were no controls on pollution. Pseudo-scientists pooh-poohed those worries. It had long been established that foreign pollution is harmless. “It is only American pollution that causes problems.”

By 1978, smokestacks were again making news. It had been apparent that despite the added scrubbers, smoke emitted from smoke stacks was still causing smog. It was determined that raising the height of industrial chimneys could reduce smog. A minimum height requirement for smokestacks was set. In theory this would allow the emitted gasses to be spewed far above the heads of the population.

A fine was immediately assessed on chimneys that did not meet the minimum heights. It was known as the short stack attack. The owners of chimneys which met the regulations were forced to pay levies to fund regulation enforcement.

We still weren’t finished with smokestacks. The following year, a study by the Evergreen University School of Advanced Whining proved that tall smoke stacks pumped sulfur high into the atmosphere. This sulfur, combined with moisture in the air, became sulfuric acid. The acid then returned to earth in the form of acid rain.

This resulted in both warming and cooling conditions. The rain clouds cooled the surface of the earth but the sulfuric acid burned the heck out of everything on that surface.

So, companies emitting too much sulfur had to pay heavy fines, known as antacids.

Rain forest defoliation became the next great threat to the climate. No one was really sure why, but pseudo-scientists and bureaucrats everywhere were absolutely positive that rain forest defoliation was a greater danger than nuclear proliferation. Wags suggested we replace the missing trees with missile silos.

By the year 2000, both the number and the frequency of climatic disasters had exploded. Everything from batteries to bovine flatulence seemed to affect climate change. Carbon units, showered with “the sky is falling” alerts, began showing signs of disinterest. They were said to be suffering from Post-Climatic Stress Disorder.

If the environmental movement was to be revived and survive, it needed a single cause to rally around. At the end of the twentieth century, James Hansen, a disgruntled NASA scientist (not to be confused with Jim Hensen, the creator of the Muppets), predicted the earth’s temperature would rise by 3 degrees over the next decade with dreadful results.

James Hansen’s prediction proved to be off by 2.7 degrees. That made his prediction 10 times higher than the actual change. In most places, an error of 900% is considered a miss. Hansen claimed his prediction was within the margin of error and bureaucrats and pseudo-scientists agreed. After all, Hansen is a government employee.

Al Gore, another former government employee, had been having trouble getting back into the private sector. After a number of entrepreneurial dry holes, Gore brought in a gusher, by sinking a well in GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE.  

Today, as we move into the 21st century, we see the defenders of the planet divided into two differing but loosely allied movements.

The first group ascribes to the “Nature Rules” philosophy. They believe that all carbon units are equal and that humanoid primates are no more important than learning-disabled slugs. Therefore, all carbon unit technology is unnecessary and dangerous with the exception of Ipods, Iphones, plasma televisions and X-boxes.

The fundamental goal of the “Nature Rules” movement is to return all carbon units to living a miserable existence in caves with a life
expectancy slightly longer than that of a poodle. This is the only way to achieve the joy and contentment of being one with nature. Of course, the caverns would have to be wired for cable.

The Nature Rules movement hasn’t gained much popularity except with carbon units wearing dreadlocks and knit caps in the summertime and geriatric hippies.

Contrasting with the Nature Rules advocates are the Nature’s Guardians. They believe we are outside of nature and anything we do is therefore preternatural. Thus, it must be our divine mission to protect the “Natural” world since there is no one else to do it. Fantasy film producer and Hollywood hanger-on, Al Gore, is the acknowledged leader of this movement. It is highly lucrative. Al Gore is well on the road to becoming the world’s first Eco-billionaire.

So, what have we learned tonight? We have learned that the climate is more fragile than a teenage boys ego and that the earth needs more protection than Arlen Specter at a Town Hall meeting.

Is the planet warming or is it cooling?

The answer is yes.

What can we do about it?

Whatever BIG MOTHER tells us.

What happens to the environment if we don’t?

Probably the same thing that happens if we do… except it will be cheaper.  

Thank you for joining us in looking back at the wonderful world of Climate Change.

After this commercial break, stay tuned for a treat for the kids, a cartoon on climate change with an all-star cast:  
That Waskely Weatha Wabbit

featuring

Barney Frank as Sylvester the Cat, “Thufferin Thuccatash”,

Nancy Pelosi as Daffy Duck,

Glenn Beck as Bugs Bunny,

Al Gore as Fog Horn Leghorn,

Chris Dodd as Bashful Buzzard,

Rahm Emanuel as Wiley Coyote,

Harry Reid as Porky Pig,

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Yosemite Sam,

Chris Matthews as Pepe LePew,

 with a special guest appearance by

 Barack Hussein Obama as Elmer Fudd.

Good Night and remember, your government is looking out for you.