Welcome to the Evening news

For tonight’s peace-and-tolerance segment, we discuss the terms “extremist” and “terrorist”. They are now defined as “anyone who disagrees with the Obama administration”.

Also, “patriot” is to be redefined as an “extremist” or “terrorist”.

Now for the news: The Scottish government today freed convicted Islamo-naughty Abdel Baset al-Megrahi. Megrahi had been sentenced to life imprisonment for the Lockerbie bombing in which 270 people died. The United Kingdom was obviously unprepared for the international outcry over the release, especially after Megrahi received a hero’s welcome upon returning to Libya.

While Scotland asserted the release was for humanitarian reasons, and the British government claimed they had no hand in the decision, Libyan officials said it was a straight-up business deal.

An anonymous official, high in the British cabinet, was asked how it all came about. He replied, “Too much Scotch.”

In the Philippines, another ferryboat sank. It was the 17th sinking this month. Fortunately, all but five of the 900 carbon units aboard were rescued. The low death rate was attributed to the survivors being able to stand on the hulls of Philippine ferryboats that had previously sunk.

In National News: On Monday of this week, President Obama declared that the world was in serious disrepair. On Tuesday, the President announced he had fixed it. On Wednesday, Congress established Aug 25th, as “Obama Fixed the World Day” and made it a federal holiday. On Thursday, Congress declared that fixing the world was an achievement of such enormous magnitude that it deserved an entire month. The month of August is now a federal holiday.

When citizens were asked if they believed Obama actually fixed the world, they replied that for a month’s paid vacation they would believe anything Obama says.

Political pundits questioned how the government was supposed to function while the employees were gone for an entire month. It was asserted that the government functions best when no one is there.

In politics: White House Green Jobs Czar Van Jones was forced to resign after information leaked out that indicated he might be loopier than a Six Flags roller coaster. It became apparent than Van Jones hated America and all carbon units of less hue than himself. This alone would not have been enough to disqualify Mr. Jones until it was pointed out that President Obama has less hue than Jones.

In related news, Presidential Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett was called on the carpet when it was discovered that two of her several picks for high-level government jobs, had never criticized America, had never been convicted of a felony, had never belonged to an anti-hueless carbon unit passionate dislove group and had never cheated on their taxes.

Ms. Jarrett attempted to defend her choices by pointing out the extensive job experience of the two picks in question. An unnamed high-level White House advisor reported that President Obama scolded Ms. Jarrett, saying, “Since when is experience an important requirement for doing a job. Look at me. Last year, I didn’t know how to spell Wite Howse. Now, I am doing a teriffic, eh turriphic, er great job.”

     

In medical news: Some details of the latest Obama Care plan were leaked. With the news of serious cuts in Medicare, more than 730,000 elderly carbon units suffered fatal heart attacks. Obama, in a news conference, stated, “This proves that my plan will save money. Today, we were able to move almost three-quarters of a million people out of the cash-strapped program. Give me another six months and I’ll save Social Security too.”

Now on to finance: It has been reported that 95% of U.S. paper money shows some trace of drugs.

In related news, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced that he would be quadrupling the money supply to pay off the federal debt. When he was asked about hyper-inflation caused by the devaluing of the dollar, Bernanke replied, “There is nothing to fear, we will be coating the money with cocaine. People will be snorting dollars faster than we can print them.”

Bernanke said he will also be printing money in heroin and marijuana flavors to accommodate different tastes.

Bank closings have risen from 3 in 2007, 25 in 2008 to 68 so far in 2009. President Obama proudly claimed success in streamlining the banking industry.

And now to the weather: Low temperatures continue across much of the country this summer. Many areas are reporting the lowest August temperatures on record. Al Gore, along with several pseudo-scientists, blamed the sub-normal temperatures on global warming. “The intense heat causes the air to rise in enormous thermals and this causes low pressure on the ground that sucks in cold artic air.”

An un-named climatologist from MIT said, “The only things sucking are Al Gore’s theories.”

In Sports: Convicted felon Michael Vick returned to the NFL. Vick said his experience with dog-fighting taught him a lesson. On the first play of his first game, he was penalized for biting a member of the opposing team.

A commentator suggested, “Maybe he learned the wrong lesson.”

For tonight’s entertainment beat: Madonna, always famous for her outside- the-envelope style, was booed in Romania. Then she began to perform. This may have been a record for how fast a narcissistic, self-important entertainer antagonized an audience.

Madonna also made news in religion. In a public appearance with Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Madonna protested, “I’ve been promoting Kabbalah for ten years now. When do I get my sporting gear?”

A reporter informed the diva that Cabelas was the outfit with the sporting goods.    

Good evening and sleep well . Remember, your government is looking out for you.