Right Wing Rabble

2009-09-07T10:15:00.001-04:00

Welcome to the Evening news

For tonight’s peace-and-tolerancesegment, we discuss the terms “extremist” and “terrorist”. They are now definedas “anyone who disagrees with the Obama administration”.

Also, “patriot” is to be redefinedas an “extremist” or “terrorist”.

Now for the news: The Scottish governmenttoday freed convicted Islamo-naughty Abdel Baset al-Megrahi. Megrahi had beensentenced to life imprisonment for the Lockerbie bombing in which 270 peopledied. The United Kingdom was obviously unprepared for the international outcryover the release, especially after Megrahi received a hero’s welcome uponreturning to Libya.

While Scotland asserted therelease was for humanitarian reasons, and the British government claimed theyhad no hand in the decision, Libyan officials said it was a straight-upbusiness deal.

An anonymous official, high in theBritish cabinet, was asked how it all came about. He replied, “Too muchScotch.”

In the Philippines, another ferryboatsank. It was the 17th sinking this month. Fortunately, all but five of the 900carbon units aboard were rescued. The low death rate was attributed to thesurvivors being able to stand on the hulls of Philippine ferryboats that had previouslysunk.

In National News: On Monday ofthis week, President Obama declared that the world was in serious disrepair. OnTuesday, the President announced he had fixed it. On Wednesday, Congressestablished Aug 25th, as “Obama Fixed the World Day” and made it a federalholiday. On Thursday, Congress declared that fixing the world was anachievement of such enormous magnitude that it deserved an entire month. Themonth of August is now a federal holiday.

When citizens were asked if theybelieved Obama actually fixed the world, they replied that for a month’s paidvacation they would believe anything Obama says.

Political pundits questioned howthe government was supposed to function while the employees were gone for anentire month. It was asserted that the government functions best when no oneis there.

In politics: White House GreenJobs Czar Van Jones was forced to resign after information leaked out that indicatedhe might be loopier than a Six Flags roller coaster. It became apparent than VanJones hated America and all carbon units of less hue than himself. This alonewould not have been enough to disqualify Mr. Jones until it was pointed outthat President Obama has less hue than Jones.

In related news, PresidentialSenior Advisor Valerie Jarrett was called on the carpet when it was discoveredthat two of her several picks for high-level government jobs, had never criticizedAmerica, had never been convicted of a felony, had never belonged to ananti-hueless carbon unit passionate dislove group and had never cheated on theirtaxes.

Ms. Jarrett attempted to defendher choices by pointing out the extensive job experience of the two picks inquestion. An unnamed high-level White House advisor reported that President Obamascolded Ms. Jarrett, saying, “Since when is experience an important requirementfor doing a job. Look at me. Last year, I didn’t know how to spell Wite Howse.Now, I am doing a teriffic, eh turriphic, er great job.”

In medical news: Some details of thelatest Obama Care plan were leaked. With the news of serious cuts in Medicare,more than 730,000 elderly carbon units suffered fatal heart attacks. Obama, ina news conference, stated, “This proves that my plan will save money. Today, wewere able to move almost three-quarters of a million people out of the cash-strappedprogram. Give me another six months and I’ll save Social Security too.”

Now on to finance: It has beenreported that 95% of U.S. paper money shows some trace of drugs.

In related news, Federal ReserveChairman Ben Bernanke announced that he would be quadrupling the money supplyto pay off the federal debt. When he was asked about hyper-inflation caused bythe devaluing of the dollar, Bernanke replied, “There is nothing to fear, wewill be coating the money with cocaine. People will be snorting dollars fasterthan we can print them.”

Bernanke said he will also beprinting money in heroin and marijuana flavors to accommodate different tastes.

Bank closings have risen from 3 in2007, 25 in 2008 to 68 so far in 2009. President Obama proudly claimed success instreamlining the banking industry.

And now to the weather: Lowtemperatures continue across much of the country this summer. Many areas arereporting the lowest August temperatures on record. Al Gore, along with severalpseudo-scientists, blamed the sub-normal temperatures on global warming. “Theintense heat causes the air to rise in enormous thermals and this causes lowpressure on the ground that sucks in cold artic air.”

An un-named climatologist from MITsaid, “The only things sucking are Al Gore’s theories.”

In Sports: Convicted felon MichaelVick returned to the NFL. Vick said his experience with dog-fighting taught hima lesson. On the first play of his first game, he was penalized for biting amember of the opposing team.

A commentator suggested, “Maybe helearned the wrong lesson.”

For tonight’s entertainment beat:Madonna, always famous for her outside- the-envelope style, was booed inRomania. Then she began to perform. This may have been a record for how fast anarcissistic, self-important entertainer antagonized an audience.

Madonna also made news inreligion. In a public appearance with Israel’s Prime Minister BenjaminNetanyahu, Madonna protested, “I’ve been promoting Kabbalah for ten years now.When do I get my sporting gear?”

A reporter informed the diva thatCabelas was the outfit with the sporting goods.

Good evening and sleep well . Remember, your government is looking out for you.

2009-08-29T14:24:00.007-04:00

Welcome to this edition of The Evening News.

As always, we start with our political correctness segment.Great Britain is maintaining its global leadership in the battle for toleranceand understanding. A 14-year-old female carbon unit was arrested for racismwhen she asked to be assigned to a different study group during a science projectbecause all the members of the group she had initially been placed with spokeonly Urdu.

In a related story, a 10-year-old male carbon unit wasarrested for racism after calling a playmate a “Paki” after his friend calledhim a “teletubby”. That exchange was overheard by an outraged teacher.

Also in Great Britain, columnist Robin Page was arrested ata rally for saying, “If you are a black, vegetarian, Muslim, asylum-seeking,one-legged, lesbian, lorry driver, I want the same rights as you.

This only proves that when it comes to tolerance andpolitical correctness America still has a long way to go.

On the international front, the cargo ship, Artic Sea, whichwas hijacked after it was not hijacked after it was missing after it was foundhas disappeared again. Also goneastray is the entire Russian Sixth Fleet consisting of 117 ships, 653 aircraftand 23,000 men. A Russian Naval spokes carbon unit said he wasn’t worried. “They’llturn up. They usually do.”

And now, in national news, the president awarded 6,433Medals of Freedom. The Presidential Medal of Freedom, along with itsCongressional counterpart, is America’s highest non-military decoration.

Among the more controversial recipients were Dr. ConradMurray, Michael Jackson’s last attending physician, for his work in eugenics,Steve Gobie, who ran a homosexual prostitution ring out of Congress carbon unitBarney Frank’s apartment, for his imaginative small business initiative andMichael Vick for successfully completing a prison term.

When asked why he chose such out-of-the-mainstream honorees,the president answered, “Because I can do whatever I want.”

Also in the national news, the president named Vito “TheCrusher” Assassino, a former enforcer and hit carbon unit for the ChicagoDemocrat Party Committee, as Athletes’ Foot Czar.

In related news, Guido “The Weasel” Cappetti, consigliore toDominic “Big Domi” Ritardato, head of Chicago’s Cosa Nostra, sought Chapter 11protection for the mob. “It’s near impossible for a gangster to make a dishonestbuck these days. The competition is murder. First it was the Black Mafia, thenthe Chinese Tongs, then the Russian Mafia, the Arabs, the Mexicans and now wegot the Democrats. The only chance we got is if Obama moves all their businessto Washington. Maybe we can fill the vacuum.”

In late news from the White House: Now that Obama has 4,376czars, he announced that he will be changing his own title, from President ofthe United States, to Czar Czar of all the Americas.

In a quick response from the UN, Russian ambassador IvanTogetout protested, “’Czar’ is a Russian cultural and historical term,synonymous with tyranny and oppression. The Russian carbon units need tyranny and oppression.It keeps their minds off the miserable weather. The Russian economy needstyranny and oppression. They are our chief exports and the only thing we arereally good at.”

No-longer-soon-to-be Czar Czar Obama apologized. He whined, “Itis America’s fault. America is an arrogant nation.” President Obama sent AmbassadorTogetout a gift as a peace offering. It was an autographed DVD of Obama’s best speeches.And as a special offer , with no further forgiveness required, Obama threw in asecond DVD of Obama family outings. Postage and handling included.

Ambassador Togetout said he was doubly grateful. First, an apologyfrom America is always welcome and happily he knows that American DVDs don’twork on Russian video equipment.

In economic news: Not everyone has lost money during thisongoing Bush recession. Congressional Carbon Unit Charlie Rangel doubled hisnet worth recently. He explained that he had overlooked a million dollars worthof real estate because he used Turbo Tax software to manage his holdings.

When he was told that Turbo Tax was a tax preparationprogram and not an investment management program, Representative Rangelreplied, “That probably explains it.”

More on the lurking dangers of Turbo Tax: Henry Hillman, aKentucky contractor, is on trial this week. He was arrested and his assets wereseized when he underpaid his business taxes by $7.43 in 2008. Mr. Hillmanclaimed the shortage was caused by a series of rounding errors in the Turbo Taxprogram.

Treasury Secretary, Timothy Geithner, in an amicus curiebrief, stated, “The small size of the underpayment is proof of a deliberateattempt to defraud. It was an obvious effort to slip in under the radar screen.A mistake like my own, which ran into tens of thousands of dollars, can beeasily seen as an honest error. Besides, who ever expected the government toget its head out of its butt long enough to catch me.”

Secretary Geithner later apologized for that last remark. Hesaid it was America’s fault.

Although soon-to-be-convicted Turbo Tax cheat Henry Hillman preparesto change his address and his wardrobe for the next three to five years, notone of his 23 former employees lost a single day of work. They were allimmediately re-employed seeking employment. They are all now happily engaged infilling out resumes and going on interviews.

In sports, Kenya hopes to dominate at the next SummerOlympics. However, controversy swirls. Many of the female athletes look likemale carbon units. But even more suspicious are the sprinters who look likecheetahs, the weightlifters who looklike elephants and the gymnasts who look like chimpanzees. The IOC said it willrequire DNA testing, within the bounds of political correctness, of course.

Thank you for tuning in for this edition of The EveningNews. Good night and remember, your government is looking out for you.

The History of Climate Change, Special Edition of The Evening News

2009-08-26T22:08:00.005-04:00

Welcome to this special edition of The Evening News.

Tonight, we will be taking an in-depth look at one of themost contentious issues facing America, Global Climate Change.

Is it real? Is it carbon unit made? Is it natural,unnatural, supernatural, preternatural?

To answer these questions and others, we will be going backto 1970. A study, conducted by Professor Bullard C. Dingbat PhD, JD, AKA, DOAof the Harvard University Institute of Pseudo-Science, brought to light thefirst evidence of the effects of carbon unit activity on climate.

Dr. Dingbat observed that in winter, when carbon units wearheavy clothing, the weather turns cold. Likewise, when carbon units wear lessclothing, the weather warms.

To prove that this was not just a seasonal occurrence,Professor Dingbat noted that Eskimos wear heavy clothing year-round and theweather in those areas stays cold. Polynesians, on the other hand, go aboutnearly naked all year and the weather remains warm.

This led to a flood of studies as pseudo-scientists aroundthe world began looking for more correlations between carbon unit activity andweather.

In 1972, another phenomenon was observed. When most carbonunits sleep, it is dark outside. When they awaken, it is daylight. Could carbonunit activity be affecting the rotation of the earth?

The growing body of evidence that carbon unit activity couldhave an effect on the climate led to a new branch of environmental pseudo-science,Climo-Carbo-Unitology. Climo-Carbo-Unitologists soon began to investigate Climo-Carbo-Unitilogicalrelationships.

At the same time, legislators, looking for new ways tosquander taxpayer’s money, began handing out billions of taxpayer dollars ingrants to local universities. Hungry for a piece of the grant cash pie, Climo-Carbo-Unitologists began sounding the alarms on thedangerous effects that C-C-U relationships could have on the weather and,ultimately, the environment.

The disaster race was on. C-C-U research departments aroundthe nation began competing to see who could predict the worst catastrophe. Likeprophets in the park, university professors were proclaiming, “The end isnear.”

In November of 1972, the former head of Poultry Studies at U.C.Berkeley, Dr. Wilbur “Chicken” Little, was elected to Congress. Dr. Little, asthe Democrat representative from the People’s Republic of California, introduceda resolution to make perilous C-C-U relationships a Congressional priority.

At the same time, President Nixon was under heavy fire becauseof Watergate. Hoping to win allies in Congress, he adopted C-C-U relationshipsas a personal cause. Nixon established the Department of GovernmentInterference in Nearly Everyone’s Life, DOGINEL. He appointed his longtimefriend, Bruno “The Proctologist” Goering, to be the first Secretary of DOGINEL.Goering was directed to make C-C-U his primary focus.

In 1973, President Nixon was slipping out the back door ofthe White House in order to avoid impeachment hearings. Cynics believe that heturned the DOGINEL loose on America as a last act of defiance, sort of likegiving America the bureaucratic finger.

Also, in crisis-prone 1973, it was discovered that hairspray was destroying the ozone layer. Ozone supposedly protected the earth fromthe harmful rays of the sun.

Hundreds of thousands of large-haired female carbon unitsprotested. They couldn’t see a problem. Since, according to the weatherreport in the daily paper, ozone was listed as a pollutant, they believed thatthe use of ozone-destroying hairspray should be beneficial to theenvironment.

Pseudo-scientists explained that ozone in the air was verybad, while ozone in the atmosphere was very good. Pseudo-scientists thenunsuccessfully tried to explain the difference between air and atmosphere.

Dr. Sheldon Shelby, Professor Emeritus of pre-Mayan MayanLiterature at Yale’s School for Obscure Studies, stepped into the fray.Professor Shelby won the Nobel Obfuscation Prize for a paper that gave what isnow considered to be an irrefutable explanation of the difference between airand atmosphere. “The single most important difference between Air and Atmosphereis the spelling.”

Hardly had the “holey ozone” threat been addressed when itwas overshadowed by a greater danger. In 1975, America was hit with the coldestwinter on record. The upper Chesapeake Bay froze from bank to bank. Anotherextreme winter followed the next year. Pseudo-scientists were now predictingthe imminent return of the glaciers. The lead article in the “Science” sectionof the April 28, 1975 issue of Newsweek announced the looming presenceof the next Ice Age.

Snowmobile stocks skyrocketed with the plummetingtemperatures. Ski resorts were built in southern New Mexico as entrepreneursattempted to heat up their portfolios by cashing in on the coming cold.

This news wasn’t really new as ice age predictions had beengoing on continually since back in the 1930’s. Except, of course, when theywere interrupted by predictions of global warming.

Traditional pseudo-scientists claimed that the extreme coldwas the result of all the heavy clothing that carbon units were wearing. Thiswas dismissed by neo-pseudo-scientists as “Been there. Done that.” A newer,more fashionable, explanation of global cooling was required. Particulatematter being emitted from smoke stacks was considered to be most stylish. Theseparticulates were creating an umbrella that was blocking out the warming raysof the sun, no matter how large the holes in the ozone layer.

In 1975, temperatures were reaching record lows. PresidentGerald Ford named Bertha Bernstein to head DOGINEL, the aforementioned Departmentof Government Interference in Nearly Everyone’s Life. Secretary Bernsteinimprinted her identity on DOGINEL so firmly that DOGINEL came to be known as “BIG MOTHER”.

In June 1976, BIG MOTHER instituted requirements that allsmoke stacks have scrubbers to remove particulates. Many corporationsthreatened to move their factories overseas to avoid “scrubbing their stacks.”

Many Americans worried that large numbers of Americanbusinesses going offshore would lead to job and tax revenue losses and would increasethe trade deficit.

BIG MOTHER assured citizens that the loss of employment due tocompanies moving facilities out of the country would more than be made up by employmentin industries that manufacture and install scrubbers, so-called “Clean Jobs”. Anotherclaim by BIG MOTHER was that any tax losses could easily be offset by a smokestackscrubber tax. And, finally, the trade deficit was already so bad that anyincrease would hardly be noticeable.

Skeptics pointed out that with the large number of companiesexpected to take their smokestacks out of the country, the expected tax revenuesfrom the companies that stay behind might not meet expectations. The governmentreplied that this was excessive attention to minor details and it was time tomove forward and stop the incessant nit picking.

Critics also expressed fears that the atmosphere wouldsuffer even more if companies were operating in countries where there were nocontrols on pollution. Pseudo-scientists pooh-poohed those worries. It had longbeen established that foreign pollution is harmless. “It is only Americanpollution that causes problems.”

By 1978, smokestacks were again making news. It had been apparentthat despite the added scrubbers, smoke emitted from smoke stacks was still causingsmog. It was determined that raising the height of industrial chimneys couldreduce smog. A minimum height requirement for smokestacks was set. In theorythis would allow the emitted gasses to be spewed far above the heads of the population.

A fine was immediately assessed on chimneys that did notmeet the minimum heights. It was known as the short stack attack. The owners ofchimneys which met the regulations were forced to pay levies to fund regulationenforcement.

We still weren’t finished with smokestacks. The followingyear, a study by the Evergreen University School of Advanced Whining proved thattall smoke stacks pumped sulfur high into the atmosphere. This sulfur, combinedwith moisture in the air, became sulfuric acid. The acid then returned to earthin the form of acid rain.

This resulted in both warming and cooling conditions. Therain clouds cooled the surface of the earth but the sulfuric acid burned theheck out of everything on that surface.

So, companies emitting too much sulfur had to pay heavyfines, known as antacids.

Rain forest defoliation became the next great threat to theclimate. No one was really sure why, but pseudo-scientists and bureaucratseverywhere were absolutely positive that rain forest defoliation was a greaterdanger than nuclear proliferation. Wags suggested we replace the missing treeswith missile silos.

By the year 2000, both the number and the frequency ofclimatic disasters had exploded. Everything from batteries to bovine flatulenceseemed to affect climate change. Carbon units, showered with “the sky is falling”alerts, began showing signs of disinterest. They were said to be suffering fromPost-Climatic Stress Disorder.

If the environmental movement was to be revived and survive,it needed a single cause to rally around. At the end of the twentieth century,James Hansen, a disgruntled NASA scientist (not to be confused with Jim Hensen,the creator of the Muppets), predicted the earth’s temperature would rise by 3degrees over the next decade with dreadful results.

James Hansen’s prediction proved to be off by 2.7 degrees. Thatmade his prediction 10 times higher than the actual change. In mostplaces, an error of 900% is considered a miss. Hansen claimed his predictionwas within the margin of error and bureaucrats and pseudo-scientists agreed. Afterall, Hansen is a government employee.

Al Gore, another former government employee, had been havingtrouble getting back into the private sector. After a number of entrepreneurialdry holes, Gore brought in a gusher, by sinking a well in GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE.

Today, as we move into the 21st century, we see thedefenders of the planet divided into two differing but loosely alliedmovements.

The first group ascribes to the “Nature Rules” philosophy.They believe that all carbon units are equal and that humanoid primates are nomore important than learning-disabled slugs. Therefore, all carbon unittechnology is unnecessary and dangerous with the exception of Ipods, Iphones, plasmatelevisions and X-boxes.

The fundamental goal of the “Nature Rules” movement is toreturn all carbon units to living a miserable existence in caves with a life
expectancy slightly longer than that of a poodle. This is the only way toachieve the joy and contentment of being one with nature. Of course, the cavernswould have to be wired for cable.

The Nature Rules movement hasn’t gained much popularityexcept with carbon units wearing dreadlocks and knit caps in the summertime andgeriatric hippies.

Contrasting with the Nature Rules advocates are the Nature’sGuardians. They believe we are outside of nature and anything we do istherefore preternatural. Thus, it must be our divine mission to protect the “Natural”world since there is no one else to do it. Fantasy film producer and Hollywoodhanger-on, Al Gore, is the acknowledged leader of this movement. It is highlylucrative. Al Gore is well on the road to becoming the world’s first Eco-billionaire.

So, what have we learned tonight? We have learned that theclimate is more fragile than a teenage boys ego and that the earth needs moreprotection than Arlen Specter at a Town Hall meeting.

Is the planet warming or is it cooling?

The answer is yes.

What can we do about it?

Whatever BIG MOTHER tells us.

What happens to the environment if we don’t?

Probably the same thing that happens if we do… except itwill be cheaper.

Thank you for joining us in looking back at the wonderfulworld of Climate Change.

After this commercial break, stay tuned for a treat for thekids, a cartoon on climate change with an all-star cast:
That Waskely Weatha Wabbit

featuring

Barney Frank as Sylvester the Cat, “Thufferin Thuccatash”,

Nancy Pelosi as Daffy Duck,

Glenn Beck as Bugs Bunny,

Al Gore as Fog Horn Leghorn,

Chris Dodd as Bashful Buzzard,

Rahm Emanuel as Wiley Coyote,

Harry Reid as Porky Pig,

The Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Yosemite Sam,

Chris Matthews as Pepe LePew,

with a specialguest appearance by

Barack Hussein Obama as Elmer Fudd.

Good Night and remember, your government is looking out foryou.

2009-08-24T01:50:00.011-04:00

   Good evening. For tonight’s edition we once again open with our usual political-correctness update. The term “child molester” is now hate speech. It is being replaced by” toddler twiddler”. No longer will those members of society who choose to take an alternate sexual byroad be labeled by derogatory language.

   Also in the world of political correctness, there has been a reluctance to adopt the term “Islamo-naughty”, in place of “Islamic Terrorist” or “Islamo-Fascist”. The Obama Administration announced it would be offering incentives to those citizens and non-citizens who pledge to use the term “Islamo-Naughty”. Signers of the pledge would receive a free oil change and tire rotation with their next purchase of a GM product. They would also get a photo of Obama -- imprinted with a genuine, computer-generated duplication of a reproduction of an actual simulation of Obama’s autograph -- suitable for framing.

   One last item on political correctness. “Carbon unit” has regained status as the proper species-neutral expression. There was some dispute as to whether it was discriminatory against non-carbon based entities such as rocks, water and air. But, it was finally decided that a certain degree of distinction between objects was perfectly reasonable.

On the international front, Bill Clinton is still in the news. During a press conference about his recent foray into North Korea, the former president asked, “Are there any other young attractive carbon units who need my services?” The newly released captives, when asked, “What was your most terrifying moment?” responded, “When President Clinton kept following us around the airplane asking whether we liked cigars.”

   A furious Hilary Clinton asked why she, as Secretary of State, wasn’t sent instead of her husband. President Obama, with the leadership we have come to expect, answered, “Because I won and you didn’t.”

   On the national front, after the successful seating of Justice Sonia Sotomayor to the U.S. Supreme Court, it has been leaked that convicted cop-killer, Mumia Abu Jamal, is on President Obama’s short list for the next open seat. Obama has reportedly said that if Sotomayor’s rich experience as a Latino carbon unit adds to the court “think what 30 years of experience on death row can bring”.

   Town hall meetings are still centers of turmoil but a White House spokes-carbon unit explained that what appears to be angry voters is actually undocumented citizens who have come to America looking for work.

   The shouting is the natural result of both cultural and language missunderstandings. When translators were brought in and the crowds were asked in their own language about health care reform, they were all very enthusiastic.

President Obama, ever the doting dad, recently decided to spend a day at the beach with his family. He flew in Air Force One, followed by a backup aircraft and an escort of twelve fighter jets. His entourage included 611 Secret Service agents, 423 reporters, 248 still-photographers and an additional 175 video camera operators. The president was also accompanied by his entire staff, which included Michelle’s personal hairdresser, the girls’ personal hairdressers as well as the hairdressers’ personal hairdressers. All in all, 3482 people were transported to Boca Raton, Florida.

Washington D.C. traffic was at a standstill while the president and his 743-car motorcade traveled to Andrews Air Force Base. Traffic in Miami was totally shut down for more that two hours upon the President’s arrival. More than 6000 residents of beachfront condominiums and hotels had to be evacuated for security reasons.

The girls grew bored shortly after arriving and the entire process had to be reversed. The cost of the trip was estimated at $11,000,000. When asked if he thought the inconvenience and cost to the citizens was worth it, President Obama replied, ”I won and they didn’t.”

On the economic front, Obama announced the complete success of his stimulus package. Unemployment, for the first time in American history, dropped to 0%. This was achieved by redefining “employment.” Carbon units collecting unemployment checks are employed looking for work. If they are collecting checks while they are looking for work they are obviously employed looking for employment, therefore, they couldn’t possibly be unemployed.

Those carbon units who had run out of unemployment benefits and have given up looking for work are now retired.

In sports, Michael Vick has been picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles, after the University of Georgia turned down his offer to coach the Bulldogs. While his actual role with the team has not been announced, it has been rumored that he will be responsible for quieting Philadelphia’s notorious Boo Birds, especially the hecklers of head coach, Andy Reid.

As part of his community service, Vick had been teaching young carbon units about the evils of dog fighting. However, eyebrows were raised when, at one session, Vick commented on the strength of one of his students and asked to see the youthful carbon unit’s teeth.

In religion, His Holiness Pope Albert Gore, spiritual leader of the Apostolic Church of the Environment, has begun naming members to his College of Cardinals. His first pick, Robert Kennedy Jr. was an obvious choice. He has been investigating toxic substances, personally, for years.

Before we go to weather, let me remind you that The Evening News will host a special edition tracking the long history of climate change going all the way back to the 1970’s. Watch for it.

Now to the weather, much of America has been experiencing record low temperatures this year. Some are referring to 2009 as “the year without a summer”. A New York farmer lammented, “If this global warming keeps up the way it has been, I’m gonna have to start raising winter wheat in the summer time”. Also, there has yet to be a named storm in the Atlantic this year. This has been attributed to below-normal ocean temperatures. Residents along the Gulf Coast, when asked about the lack of tropical storms, replied, “ Yeah, but we’ve had some hellacious fog banks.”

In entertainment, a new film will be hitting IMAX theaters soon called “Dynamic Domestic Duo.” It is the exciting story of Julia Childs’ and Martha Stewart’s lifelong competition in mud wrestling.

That is all for this evening. Good night and sleep well. Remember, your Government is looking out for you.

The Evening News, Archive edition, Sept 2007

2009-08-24T01:32:00.008-04:00

Welcome to the evening news.

Before we read the news tonight, I would like to introduce our listeners to our new peace and tolerance segment. In this segment it is our goal to promote greater understanding through the use of language.

Tonight, we would like to inform our listeners that the word “primate” has been declared a derogatory term. It implies a sense of superiority in walking on two feet. As if those who walk on four or who crawl on their bellies are somehow innately inferior. On this program we will never again use the “P word”. It is hate language. The proper expression is “carbon unit”.

Also, it has become obvious that too many carbon units treat Islam and Muslims with a great deal of distrust. We believe this is the fault of the careless use of language. Terms such as Islamo-fascist, Islamo-terrorist and Islamic radical can only produce fear and suspicion. We have replaced these words and their overly-harsh connotations with the much gentler, Islamo-naughty. We can all feel much better about that.

Now to the News

Tonight’s top story.

Thousands of carbon units took to the streets in celebration of America’s latest defeat. The announcement of a declaration of loss in the United States’ war against the tiny Arab Emirate of Abu Dhabi was greeted with cheers across the nation today. No one knows what actually sparked the 36 hour conflict but ever since Congress made it illegal for America to actually win a war, nations have been lining up to give Uncle Sam a spanking.

In related news, Congress has formed a special committee to determine when a war should actually be declared lost.

Senator Kennedy commented, “For far too long we have been allowing events on the battlefield determine whether a war is being won or lost. Defeat should not be the province of soldiers. Defeat belongs to the defeatists.”

The New York Times, NBC, CBS and CNN have all editorialized against this committee saying that the right to declare defeat belongs to the press and must not be infringed upon.

In a separate statement, Geraldo Rivera claimed that he alone has the necessary battlefield experience to tell when a war is actually lost.

In an effort to save our troops from the embarrassment of constantly losing wars there is an ongoing discussion on the possibility of out-sourcing our military efforts. Both China and India have shown an interest but because they are both have non-Caucasian populations, some in congress believe this might have a demoralizing effect on carbon units of hue both here and abroad. There have even been suggestions that this is just another example of the exploitation of third world ethnics by the Euro-American male.

France, on the other hand, has been named as the first choice for surrender surrogate by many in congress, since the French are by far the most experienced in managing sophisticated surrender situations.

On the international front, a Beirut hospital was blown up today by Islamo-naughties, the good news is an estimated 84 patients no longer require long term health care.

In further news, a joint action suit was won by child molesters against the parents of the children they molested. The court’s decision was that disparaging remarks by the parents caused the molesters irreparable harm.

In Vermont, a law was passed holding that the parents of molested children can be charged with criminal entrapment. The law states that if the parents had not been negligent in shielding pedophiles from the damaging temptations caused by the children, it is obvious that no crime ever would have taken place.

In education news, the Association of Ivy League History Professors has issued a statement that hueless, Christian, male carbon units have never made any worthwhile contribution to civilization and all history books shall be suitably amended.

Some examples

Imam Abdul Newton was the scientist who defined modern physics.

The Declaration of Independence was actually written by Tomas DeJeffersonia, it was written in Spanish.
Rufus Washington commanded the Revolutionary Army. It was the original Black Watch.
Abigail Lincoln freed the slaves.

The only hueless male carbon unit mentioned is Jamie, Bruce Hoban. He didn’t build the White House but he certainly had a well-manicured hand in decorating it.

Also in education news, years of experience or even a job are no longer required in order to gain tenure. Looking to keep a steady supply of new ideas in the education of youth, all that will be needed for tenure is an intention to someday teach. It does not even have to be an outwardly expressed intention. Simply, go to any educational institution and say that you once thought about teaching and you will be guaranteed a job from which you cannot be fired.

Around the nation, The San Francisco City Council today passed an ordinance making homosexuality mandatory. At the same session, they declared they were seceding from the United States. They then applied to Washington for foreign aid.

137,000,000 illegal immigrants in Los Angeles County, protested the over-crowded conditions. They claimed they were running out of places to throw their trash.

In a related story, litters laws were overturned in the 9th circuit court of appeals as being discriminatory against the Hispanic culture. A group of art professors from UCLA found a solution to the litter problem. Trash is now called participatory landscaping. The Los Angeles Department of Tourism has responded to this idea with great enthusiasm. This year’s promotional effort will proudly proclaim that LA boasts the largest collection of participatory landscaping north of the Mexican border.

Also from California, a law was passed making it a criminal offense for parents to correct their children. A spokes-carbon unit for the state said, “Too many children have lost their right of free expression due to unwarranted limits placed on them by abusive parents.”

Teachers in California have been given the right to use heroin to control unruly students, “For those times when Ritalin just isn’t enough.”

In New York, a law was passed prohibiting exhaling in public. It is intended to protect the public from second-hand air.

On the political front, The office of Should-Have-Been President was made official today. This gives congressional authorization for those carbon units who actually lost the presidential election to behave as if they won. Should-Have-Been-President Al Gore said that it was about time.

After the announcement, Jimmy Carter was named as both the worst president and the worst Should-Have-Been-President of the twentieth century.

Should-Have-Been-President John Kerry announced that he had changed his mind once again and was in fact running for president. In a statement to the press, he explained, “I decided to run after I decided not to run after I decided to run.”

He also promised that if elected, he would be an example of decisiveness and firm commitment.

There has been a great deal of controversy over his proclamation that his recent visit to Iraq qualifies him to be an Iraqi war veteran. Some veterans have complained that he was little more than a tourist. Senator Kerry responded, "So what! I was little more than a tourist in Viet Nam." Kerry later announced he was receiving his fourth Purple Heart for having a door slammed in is face by an uneducated paratrooper who stupidly insists he is not stuck in Iraq.

Former president and according to his ardent supporters, Should-Have-Been-President-For-Life, Bill Clinton announced the publication of his book on how to have a successful marriage, “It Takes a Harem.”

Hillary Clinton in a statement about her rival Barrack Hussein Obama said today, “ It shouldn’t matter whether or not he was educated in a Pakistani terrorist school, or whether he was named after one of the worst butchers in the Middle East. We should only look at his character and experience or lack there of".

"Just because his father was a Mau Mau terrorist who slaughtered and raped nuns and cannibalized hueless carbon units should have no bearing on anyone’s vote and I will not attempt to use the fact that he will probably try to appoint Osama Bin Laden to the office of Secretary of Homeland Security against him. I believe he will make a great president in another eight to ten years. But If he should by some misfortune of Divine Justice receive my party’s nomination, I will be proud to join with my fellow democrats in saying, “Obama Rama Ding Dong.”

In sports, the NBA was arrested today for pretty much everything. This shocking news comes after yesterday’s announcement that the NFL was being released on bail.

In Religion, Christianity in an attempt to fight back against constant attacks from the ACLU, tried an end run by making toilets religious icons. This forced the ACLU to sue to have all toilets removed from public facilities.

In anticipation of the court’s decision, public urination was legalized everywhere except San Francisco where it was always legal.

In entertainment news Rock star Dung Heap was forced to issue an apology after referring to Paris Hilton as a stupid, slutty, blond, b---h. Thousands of female carbon-units units protested saying that any reference to follicular hue was derogatory. In his apology, Mr. Heap said that he was deeply upset that his statement might affect his record sales. He also stated that he is not a hateful carbon unit and he believes his verbal outburst was caused by the mental abuse he suffered at the hands of those parents whose children he had molested before he became a star, when he was still an unknown pile of crap. He amended his remarks to say that Paris Hilton was a stupid, slutty b---h. Ms. Hilton responding by saying it was all right her hair was really bleached.

After Mr. Heap’s admission, many in the entertainment industry rallied to his cause and spoke of the untold damage caused by the hate mongering of parents of abused children.

There is great excitement in the travel industry over the grand opening of a fabulous resort in Vermont. The New Never Never Land has been billed as Disney World for pedophiles. It is expected to be the first resort in this country to receive the coveted 69 butts rating from the Man Boy Love Association. Up until now, it has always been believed that criminal prosecution would prevent the opening of such a grand resort in this country.

‘Whips and Shackles’ magazine, in a rare burst of hyperbole has declared this to be the most painfully thrilling event of the decade. In a direct quote from the editorial section, “No longer will we be forced to seek our pleasures in tawdry surroundings under questionable sanitary conditions.

In our, the last word segment, we would like to discuss kindness. We all need to be kind. We need to be kind to our friends as well as our enemies. If we are truly kind we cannot help but find kindness in return. Kindness begets kindness. We must all remember to turn the other cheek and hope that our enemies will grow tired of hitting us. And finally if we are always kind and it still doesn’t stop us from getting beat up at least we will have the satisfaction of knowing we did nothing to deserve it.

That is all for tonight. Sleep well. Remember your government is looking after you.